


Meet me at midnight

by runningfromrealitytoanime



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, Depression, M/M, Negative Thoughts, Osasuna, Suicide, a lot of bad things happen here, i'm feeling sad now..., mainly AtsuKita
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24574957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runningfromrealitytoanime/pseuds/runningfromrealitytoanime
Summary: After so many series of unfortunate events, Miya Atsumu is unable to bear it anymore.
Relationships: Kita Shinsuke/Miya Atsumu, Miya Osamu/Suna Rintarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 72





	Meet me at midnight

**Author's Note:**

> This story came up after reading a fanfic and I don't know why but this came to my mind.
> 
> This has been a situation I have been facing a lot my entire life. I struggle even until today with negative thoughts and thinking of self-harm and suicide. Lucky for me nothing bad has happened so far (or so I would like to believe) and I hope it stays that way but the struggle of depression and just feeling like you're useless is real and very detrimental to life. So many times I had thought of dying but because of the people around me who love me, I stuck around.
> 
> I projected a lot of my own thoughts and feelings about struggling with negative doubts and self-doubt in this story so, in a way, it's a bit of coming to terms with what I went through. To me, wanting to die and actually commiting the act are two things. For me, I think someone who actually followed through with suicide is actually very brave in knowing for sure that they are ready to go and want to do it. As for me, no matter how many times I try, I am still afraid of whats on the other side so to me, I am a coward for wanting to run away from everything but also not daring to take the final leap.
> 
> Aside from the morbid introduction, enjoy.

The bridge was quiet in this time of night, the water still even as the wind lapped against the surface. The moon shone in the water, reminding Atsumu of his days as a child where he would reach out and try and catch the moon with his bare hands, only for it to slip away. The thought of his past made Atsumu’s stomach clench as the wind picked up, making him shiver as he looked out at the water.

How could such a beautiful place bring so much heartache?

Atsumu thought he had everything. He had gone pro, lived a good life in Tokyo, was going to finally propose to the love of his life. After so many trials and errors, he had finally reached the top of the stage he had aimed for. Nothing could stop him, or that was what he thought.

Atsumu had always been plagued by the insecurities of his heart. Voices spoke in his mind whenever he was in doubt or alone, eating away at his confidence as they chipped away at his soul. Atsumu remembered them coming in vividly during his days as a middle schooler, the voices always telling him he would never be good enough to go pro despite how much he practised. He would try and ask his teammates to play better, to practice more and match his speed only for them to reject him. They called him obnoxious, inconsiderate, annoying. Words that hurt him much more than he let on.

Despite the cool façade, Miya Atsumu put out for the whole world to see, he was actually a very insecure boy who wished he could curl up into a ball and disappear from the world. How many times had he thought of running away from his problems, evidence of his actions hidden underneath his volleyball shorts. Atsumu knew the consequences of an athlete who couldn’t show the mental capabilities to rise to the top so he always hid his scars, cutting in places where they will never be seen. Only Osamu knew of his acts; his older twin would do everything to stop him but he could only go so far when they were moved into separate rooms.

“No matter what, I’m always here for you, alright. So don’t you ever go do something that stupid such as dying, you hear me?” Osamu would say as he held onto Atsumu as the younger twin sobbed against him, wishing he didn’t have a brother who loved scum like him.

As the years went by, Atsumu and Osamu would pour all of their energy into volleyball to escape from their thoughts. Atsumu from trying to think of the things that would bring him down at his worst times and Osamu from thinking about a future he never told his brother. Both twins were so similar yet so different; no one could ever truly be 100% the same even though they were identical twins and the Miya twins were no exception.

When he entered high school, Atsumu fell for a boy in his club. He was the only person who could ever really control him when he had a mood swing or just be there for him without judging. Kita Shinsuke would sit by his side, always a calming presence despite not exchanging many words with Atsumu as the boy whined about his problems. Once, he had even thought of opening up to his captain about his struggles of self-harm, although Kita would eventually tell him that he knew all along from how Atsumu seemed to never try and change his pants in front of everyone or the time when he would wear long sleeves despite it being summer because of trying to cut along his arm. Kita had brought a scar removing ointment that day to give to him, the scars slowly fading as he used it.

Kita made him feel whole in a way no one ever did.

During Kita’s graduation, he finally confessed to him. To his happiness, Kita accepted his confession under the cherry blossoms, both of them beginning to date even though Atsumu was being recruited into a pro team in Tokyo. Kita promised to visit whenever he could, the two of them bonding even more than ever despite the distance between them. Kita would visit Atsumu during his games, bringing him the first rice of the year whenever New Year rolled around and Atsumu would return to Hyogo to visit Kita and his granny. The older woman loved the boy and didn’t mind her grandson dating him, although she chided at him for making Kita cook too much for him whenever he was around and nearly burning the kitchen down.

Five years into the future and Atsumu had finally reached his dream of being on the Olympic team. Even though he would be the reserve setter, it was still an honour to be able to represent the country on the world stage with the team that had been assembled consisting of players from his youth. He had truly grown up in a monster generation and seeing how all of them had finally reached the dream they strived for, Atsumu couldn’t have been more proud to be called a monster himself. After all the teasing and taunts he had received in his younger days, he thought he had finally proved to them that they were wrong.

Of course, things had to go wrong. Atsumu had always been sceptical about things going a bit too smoothly for his liking only for the rug to be pulled from under him when he thought that he was finally able to do things right. One month before the Olympics were due to start, he injured his shoulder, breaking it to the point that even when it healed, he would never be able to send another toss to anyone ever again. As a setter, it was his worst nightmare come true. For years, he hadn’t had an injury like this so why, why on earth did it had to happen at such a crucial time?

Kita had sat with him as the boy cried into him, surrounded by the Olympic team uniforms and merchandise he would never wear. Kita held onto him even as Atsumu spoke the words he had whispered to himself over and over to himself across the years, never having wanted to do it so badly his entire life until that moment.

‘I want to die so badly.”

Kita only held onto him as he kissed his head, the small act sending warmth throughout Atsumu’s body and barely making him feel a bit less tense as Kita whispered, “I would feel so lonely if you died.” That was what everyone said all the time. Osamu had said that to him when they were younger, only to abandon him on the court after high school to open a restaurant. Heck, he had even gone on to be with Suna, a relationship he knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid after seeing how they were all over each other in school. Heck, even Kita had left him for a year all alone when he had gone to university.

But Atsumu had Kita beside him now. With love, anything was possible, wasn’t it?

After weeks of press conferences and a short farewell from his should-have-been teammates, Atsumu found himself in a bullet train heading back to Hyogo, his arm in a sling as he stared out of the window. Kita was by his side, snoozing as Atsumu ran a hand through his hair, silently thanking the gods for giving him someone that could actually stand his sorry ass.

Several months of physiotherapy later and Atsumu was good to go. Even though he could no longer play volleyball, this gave him a chance to enter the world that Kita had entered; farming. He found that he enjoyed being out in the fields as much as Kita had, both of them getting burnt to a crisp during summer and laughing and chatting under the shade during their breaks, enjoying onigiri from Osamu’s store or just enjoying each other’s presence. Atsumu even got a job offer to be a volleyball coach for Inarizaki, which he left for later since he didn’t feel comfortable going back to a gym without his teammates.

Nearly a year passed and Atsumu felt like it was the right time to take the second most important step in his life. His parents always told him that there were three important moments in a person’s life; the first was the birth of the person.

The second was marriage.

Atsumu curled his toes in his shoes as he held the ring in his pocket, his nerves on an all time high as he waited for Kita to return home. Both of them lived together now, something Atsumu thought wouldn’t have happened if he remained a professional athlete and for that, he was grateful that the injury had happened. He wouldn’t trade Kita for the world; heck, he would even sacrifice his life for the other man.

He had cooked a nice meal for the two of them, or at least what he thought was a nice meal. For one, the food wasn’t burnt and it looked edible. The chicken might be a bit more bloody than Atsumu cared to admit since he didn’t want to burn it while the spaghetti was hapzardly scooped into the plate. He had even put scented candles around the dining room to give it a romantic feeling although he knew Kita wasn’t a fan of it, his stomach twisting in knots as he thought of who was going to change their surname.

The time ticked by and still no Kita came home. Atsumu brought his phone up to his ear, trying to call the man as he heard a knock on the door. He quickly ran to it, throwing the door open to see a police officer standing outside, his heart dropping when the officer opened his mouth.

“Sir, I need you to come with me to the hospital.”

Once there, Atsumu could only stare as he saw his loved one hooked up onto machines in a vain effort to save his life. A person had rammed into his car when he was out, leaving him stuck in the seat unconscious for who knew how long until paramedics had arrived. Kita had been in a coma ever since, the doctors saying the chances of him waking up being very slim.

Atsumu waited. And waited. And waited. Weeks turned to months and he soon began to forget what days it were. The only time he actually realised the month had changed was when the summer heat was replaced with a slight chill, the leaves turning brown outside to indicate the arrival of autumn. The cold brought with it longer nights, leaving Atsumu to curl up in his bed alone at home, thinking of all the reasons of why he had landed himself in this situation.

_If he had accepted the teaching job, maybe this wouldn’t have happened._

_If he had offered to go out for the delivery instead of Kita, he wouldn’t have been in the accident._

All of it pointed to Atsumu in the end, the guilt eating away at him as he tried to calm himself down. He almost reached out for the razor and brought it to his arm, Kita’s voice being the only thing stopping him from doing so as he cried himself to sleep every night.

After nearly three months, Kita finally woke up. Atsumu had nearly lost all hope when his beloved senpai opened his eyes, yellow staring into his as he smiled. Atsumu had been so happy then, thinking that everything was now well as people came in to visit. Even Osamu and Suna came back from their honeymoon to see their senpai, Atsumu a little jealous to see that the two of them had finally tied the knot when he hadn’t had the chance to do so. Ever since that day, the ring had been sitting in his pocket, waiting to be put onto Kita’s finger.

Two days after Kita woke up, Atsumu couldn’t help but shake off the feeling that something was not right. Even though Kita was awake and eating well, he couldn’t stop thinking that he would be going away anytime soon. The horror filling his gut made him never want to leave Kita’s side even as the man chided for him to go shower or eat, Atsumu staying beside him 24 hours even as the nurses told him visiting hours were now closed.

When he did listen to their advice to go home, he was met with a phone call saying Kita was slowly dying. Atsumu rushed to the hospital, the ring still jingling in its box as he rushed into the room, Kita’s face pale as the doctors told him it was too late. Kita’s organs had begun to shut down and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

Atsumu could only watch as Kita’s life faded before his eyes, his hand slowly growing colder as he held onto him.

“Shinsuke, please, don’t leave me.”

“Atsumu, I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be. It's my fault. If I hadn’t done all those things, if I hadn’t injured my shoulder, none of this would have happened.”

“Atsumu, please don’t blame yourself,” Kita whispered as he reached out to put his hand onto Atsumu’s face. Atsumu tried to hold back the tears as he held the box in his free hand, bringing it up to open to Kita as he heard some of the nurses standing nearby sob. Atsumu felt like he was in some bad soap opera and he was the main character doomed to suffer for the rest of time for his mistakes.

“I love you so much, Shinsuke. Please, marry me.”

“I do, but I can't...” Kita smiled as he let out a rattling breath, his heartrate on the machine beginning to slow down as Atsumu pressed a kiss on his lips, “I love you so much, Shinsuke.”

“I love you too,” Kita smiled as his eyes began to shut. His hand grew weaker as Atsumu held onto it, the limb losing its strength as Kita smiled, “Live. For my sake, Atsumu.” His head lay back against the pillow as the light faded from his eyes, his heartrate going flat as Atsumu sobbed against him. The nurses and doctors slowly pried him away as they began to prep Kita to be taken away, white noise filling Atsumu’s ears as he watched his fiancé being taken away.

Oh, what did he do to deserve this?

The funeral was a sober affair. He couldn’t even tell anyone that he and Kita were lovers because of how conservative the others were. The only thing he could do was watch over Kita’s body at night when the service had ended, holding onto his cold hand as he passed out from exhaustion. Even as people tried to give their condolences, nothing could stop the grieving man’s pain.

As he sat alone watching over Kita, the only thing filling his mind were the voices telling him that it was all his fault. If he hadn’t gone out to do something or if he had done something else better, Kita would be alive.

At this point, Atsumu believed them.

The night after Kita had been laid to rest, Atsumu found himself walking to the bridge he used to cross a lot when he was in school. It was past midnight, not many cars or people passing by to eye the man in a dark suit standing at the railing, watching the moon shine in the water. Atsumu’s tears never stopped falling as he held his phone against his chest, his finger hovering over his brother’s contact.

_He has someone else. He wouldn’t bother listening to a sad excuse of a human like you._

_He has better things to do now._

_You’re an adult. You need to deal with these emotions on your own._

_You’re a coward for wanting to die._

_You’re a coward for wanting to run away from life._

“No, I’m no coward,” Atsumu whispered as he stepped onto the railing, the wind blowing back his blazer as he spread his arms wide. The wind whipped against his face as he took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he imagined the face of his lover one last time.

_“You know, wanting to die isn’t something a coward can do. You need to be brave to actually want to take your own life,”_ Kita had once told him as Atsumu smiled to himself.

“Kita-san, you would approve of this, will you?”

He felt himself slowly drop as the wind met him, the air scratching against his face as he plummeted into the water. The surface reached out to envelope him in cold darkness as Atsumu felt his bones break, the oxygen knocked out of his lungs as he sank. Even though he could feel his life fading away, Atsumu could only feel a sense of relief he’s been waiting for all these years that he had never been able to get.

The third most important event in someone's life; their death.

At long last, he was finally free.

_“I’m sorry, Shinsuke. I’m going to where you are now.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the sad ending but hope you guys enjoyed it.
> 
> All comments are greatly appreciated and welcomed.


End file.
